The True Tumultuous Tales of the Meatball Man: Vol. 1- The Subway Sage (Part 2)

I was that tanned fellow. I travelled from a distant land, that most would call ‘Milton Keynes’, famed for Fishermead and abnormally high teenage pregnancy. It took me 7 hours to get to Cottingham, East Yorkshire, England. I had to brave a coach journey through Sheffield to be here. Anyone who has ever set foot in Sheffield understands the sacrifice one must take to endure such a journey. The people (much like the buildings), were filthy, run down, poor at holding a conversation and had a different person in them every other night. Why endure the brain cell killing voyage from Milton Keynes to Cottingham, East Yorkshire, England, via Sheffield? Meatballs. You heard me. Meatballs. Pure ecstasy in ball form, covered in mouth-watering, seizure-inducing tomato sauce, gently laid in bread and cheese that was more foreign than I am. Where was this godly sandwich, that (probably) ended wars sold? Subway. The only thing in between me and a sandwich so eye-numbingly perfect that I had to wear two pairs of trousers, were a few of the native Caucasians.

They were so white I can almost smell the Starbucks, sense their inability to comprehend cultures outside their tiny island and see that they ‘can’t even’. Eventually, it was my turn to be served. So there I was. Penis erect. Salivating. After enduring 7 hours and Sheffield, it was finally my time. I’ve been rehearsing my order in front of a mirror for roughly 5 decades now. As soon as I was asked, the all important question, “may I take your order?” I sprung into action. Like a well-oiled machine, I asked for a footlong Meatball Marinara. Things were looking great, I spoke my lines with brilliant diction, there was no need to repeat my order and I was only semi-erect. But then, my meatball shaped world came to a halt. What? Why would it take 5 minutes to cook the meatballs? After what was clearly a hate crime, I composed myself. No longer erect, I asked for Italian B.M.T. But before the words rolled off my tongue, I heard a loud grunt behind. At this point, I believe it’s best to clarify some things. A lot of people claim to have guardians. But none could say that they have seen theirs. But I can. I didn’t believe that these mythical beings existed, yet here I was listening to the grunt of mine. “What do you mean you don’t have any meatballs?” he exclaimed. He pushed in front of me in the line and locked eyes with the managers. He was wearing a grey Adidas Jumper and a black Adidas Tracksuit bottom. His accent, though northern sounding, had more than a hint of chavviness. The manager calmly explained that they had to cook the meatballs to the right temperature otherwise we would all die from salmonella. But nothing was deterring my guardian angel. “I know a manager who got fired for cooking meatballs!” he exclaimed like he was some sort of lawyer. Confused, the manager asked to explain what he meant. Suddenly he rapid fires, what feels like, 1000 words in about 2 seconds. Dazed, the manager asked him to repeat himself but slowly. If anything, he went faster the second time around. How could one man say so much in so little time? About meatballs of all things. Before any of us could process what happened, he disappeared. In tears, I finished my sub, as a changed man.

-BP, RevCol Guest Editor and (alleged) Meatball Man witness.

The True Tumultuous Tales of the Meatball Man: Vol. 1- The Subway Sage (part 1)

Once upon a time, there lived a man. A simple man who lived in a simple house. He was unsure of what clothes people would wear, so he always stuck to a matching Adidas tracksuit, a simple cap, and his prized possession handed down from father to son for umpteen generations- a gold-leafed knight chess piece necklace. He wore them and looked in the mirror, and he saw that it was good. Then he realised he had little money with which to live by, so he went out and got a job at the local meatball factory. He got paid in currency and meatball for his work. He saw his payment and that it was good also.

And then came the dark days. The market crashed and so did the price of meatballs. The meatball manager called all his employees and said “We are nigh finished, thusly we must make many a changes. May all the stars in the heavens forgive me, but I must let you all go. Go free, and prosper”. And so they did go free, but not all prospered. The Meatball Man went and saw that it was not good indeed.

One day the Meatball Man was feeling hungry. He looked around the room for inspiration. There was an armchair, red. There were drapes, maroon. There was a carpet, blue, with golden motes across it. There were seventeen fish flapping about on the floor. “Ah”, he thought. “Fish it is”. He could no longer bear to eat meatballs, or in fact, anything remotely spherical. As he lived in Cottingham, East Yorkshire, England, he had no access to the sea. How would he get fish if they were not in the sea? “Ah”, he thought once more, “I can exchange currency for fish”. And so off he went, leaving his house behind on a trek that would bring glory to the world.

So he trekked, across marshes and fording through rivers and climbing mountains until he came across what was labelled as a “petal state”. There were automobiles drinking water out of hoses and a squat building off to the side. A sign for Subway graced the entrance. Perfect. So he went inside, revealing a sizeable multi-purpose space with a Costa coffee machine, a hot dog machine, a shopping space, and a Subway counter. And so he lined up behind a tanned fellow in the line. Or so the legend goes.

To be Continued…

-KD

Depressed statues plague university campus

In an unusual turn of events, the famous culture of city of Dhaka has recently been infiltrated by the NSA using lifesize statues. A spokesperson from the Starbucks next to the unknown, well known headquarters stated “Idk man, this shit creeps the f***uck out of me and my neighbourhood”.

Rumours seem to suggest that the strange figures may be only monitoring earth tremors for earthquake prevention, as well as texts, food consumption, airspace, average breathing temperature per hundred yards, Brains, Ear cartilage and the letter eight.
Little else is known about them apart from a few being patriotic Trump supporters, Sporting MAGA hats and seeming to have a great hatred of the country of Iraq. Shit.. I mean Syria.
– HB

Exam survival guide

Oh baby, its exam time,
Who doesn’t like exams?
Who doesn’t like complaining about exams?
You may be thinking this short guide will be the usual tips, Use post it notes on your car windows screen to revise while driving, Revise with you Barista at Starbucks to get a different point of view, Eat Goji berries and gluten free bread then tell everyone about it.

I am here however to give real advice.
– Stop taking pictures of “Revision”, Nobody cares about how hard your short essay is to write, just go do something else.
– Don’t post a picture of yourself in a mirror complaining about revision, No one wants to see that
– Don’t post a picture of your smoothie and then complain about having no time to revise, You clearly had a good 6 hours to buy the ingredients and make that smoothie
– Dont post a picture of you looking sad on snapchat every single day
– Do actually revise
– Don’t however revise and then post about how terrible it’s going, For some people it is genuinely going shit.. I can tell you that
– If you can’t revise and want to tell everyone just vent that frustration at your pet, they’ll probably listen better than anyone else

If you don’t follow that advice, Idk go on a gap year to Thailand and get mugged while high in some tent.
-HB

Morrisons Slave Labour Raid

A National Crime Agency spokeswoman has just announced a series of raids by armed officers in several Morrisons stores in Chichester, Durham, Beverley, Inverness, and Peterborough. A four-year investigation into Morrison’s labour practices has yielded solid information about Morrisons’ ill-doings and work conditions, which have been considered tantamount to slavery. The investigation has been made public in a press release two hours prior. Supposedly part-time workers are conscripted into forced overtime totalling up to 136 hours a week.

One victim, an albino Bangladeshi named Barry H., briefly spoke to us before he was carted off to Border Force offices.

RevCol: “How would you describe your ordeal?”

BH: “It was horrible, I haven’t seen my family for the last two Christmases. And we don’t even celebrate Christmas. I don’t think I’ve left the building for seven months. The light burns. It physically burns. But the pay was alright I suppose, I’m going to try and get my position back afterwards. Was almost moving on to tills. Almost…”

What a side world we live in where innocent Barrys can be abused as such.

-KD

How to Know if a Girl is Into You

A major problem for guys is being criminally oblivious to the advancements of the opposite sex. Unless you’re just so ugly that it never happens to you, and if that’s the case- bad luck. Try drinking more Bovril, it’s good for the…face. And neck. Yes.

Well, we have some tips. Us experts here at Reverse Colonoscopy have some easy remedies to avoid those embarrassing flashbacks where you suddenly realise Emilia from year 8 in the park wasn’t inviting you to do homework because she was struggling despite being clearly academically superior to you in every metric 27 years too late while you’re unhappily married to a Trump supporter who spends far too much of your meagre income from your dead-end career in a Canadian-owned insurance company on designer perfumes. Y’know?

Eye contact: Eye contact in general is considered polite, but slightly excessive eye contact from the opposite sex could signal something more.

Starting conversations: A simple but not foolproof way to know if someone is into you is if they regularly start conversations. Following up on these and starting some yourself are good ways to imply that the potential attraction goes both ways.

Body contact: Unnecessary (but appropriate)  body contact, often done casually, is a good indicator that the other party is definitely into you. Them resting their hand on your chest is rather common.

Increased heart rate: Slightly harder to discern, but possible with its often accompanying increased breathing rate and general anxiousness.

Grabbing vital organs: Women desire to be closer to the vital organs, especially the love-centred heart, of men they are interested in. Do not be surprised if someone who may be interested in you gently tears out your still beating heart from the remains of your ribcage. It’s romantic in most cultures.

Cannibalising said organs: After your heart is removed from your body, it is usual for the woman to proceed to consume it vigorously along with various entrails and bones. Stay calm for the duration of this process if possible, it is normal behaviour. It isn’t unheard of for the woman to shout “O Beelzebub, will you take this noble sacrifice of blood and fear” amidst the consumption.

This is not a definitive guide as specific tendencies vary depending on the individual, but it’s a good starting guide to most of you out there. Have fun, and date responsibly, lads.

-KD

Official RevCol US Presidential Endorsement

ReverseColonoscopy was first founded as a cult in stone age Anatolia, slowly evolving into a homoerotic dance society in the classical era, then migrating north to Central Asia as a travelling circus in the mediaeval era, before settling in Turkmenistan and expanding internationally as the media outlet that millions around the world know today. In all this time it has never endorsed any political candidate posturing for a national leader, but that 3300-year streak is about to be broken.

This year’s US presidential elections have become one of the most hotly contested in history and could have an immense impact on the wider world. For the wellbeing of said wider world and its inhabitants our political and socio-economic analysts have decided to endorse a particular and very qualified candidate.

This candidate is Nigel Farage.

-KD

BREAKING NEWS: Halloween Cancelled

Halloween, A fun time to take candy from children and scare people to the point of assault.  As thrilling as that is however the true meaning of the season has been lost to christianity and the birth of jesus. Many of our journalists are scientologists which gives our blog the ability to give a completely unbiased point of view which cannot be found in other “Reputable” publications.

With all festivals and seasons being held to a religion, the UK government has decided to become more PC and banned all religion practices for followers of that religion. The question you are inevitably asking is, How will this affect me? Well simply put you must only celebrate festivals of other religions in order for other people not of your faith to not become alienated and feel bored/Unenthused when talking about the crap you believe in.

Due to these events we have made it our mission to turn the whole population into social justice warriors, to cleanse racist, homophobic and sexually abusive words, letters and numbers, in order to end free thought and expression. Getting involved is simple! Just have a normal conversation with people, shout profanity, film it, upload it to youtube and you’ve ruined your first victims life! *NO ENTRY TO WHITE MALES*

– HB (Aka. Hugh-Mungus)

Breaking: Armed Stand Off With Hull Uni Rowing Club

The Hull University rowing society, well known amongst students for both its affinity for rowing and vigorous methods of self-promotion may have gone a step too far this Tuesday afternoon. The society is well known for pandering to captive audiences in the dinner queue and using peer pressure to make unruly students participate in rowing machine competitions. Today, however, there was a notable step up. In an attempt to drum up intrigue and attention, rowing club society members kidnapped seventeen students- seemingly at random, blindfolding them, and handcuffing them to a rowboat in the middle of Doncaster.

After numerous missing persons reports, local police were rebuffed by sharpened oars when they tried to intervene. As the stand-off escalated the police called in firearms officers and it seems like the rowing club have codged together homemade oar harpoons which are being fired at police vehicles. There have been four police casualties so far. The oars are adorned with the phrase “Hull University rowing society- try out your sea legs today”. In total 31 students are still being held captive, being floated out to sea near Doncaster. SAS teams are rumoured to be on their way, but for now the stand-off continues.

-KD

How To Defend Oneself From Belligerents

For many people their first year at or return to university is starting, and with that a move away from home to the bright lights of Bradford or similar. This can be a scary prospect, but don’t worry- your fear is justified. Every second hundreds of African children drink unsafe water, and more importantly millions of Britons are unlawfully killed each year. Hundreds of thousands. Thousands. 602. And one of those could be you. Unless you live in foreignlandia, and then you might as well go ahead and buy a casket

So to protect your valuables, invaluables, sense of self-worth, et cetera, here are some tips and tricks from a certified Mixed Martial Arts black belt to weasel your way out of any conflict, mugging, or international terrorist attack that might obstruct your walk to a lecture.

  1. Verbal sparring. Also why are all of my posts in lists. But back to the point, sometimes you can defuse, or even infuse a situation using words. Try using backhanded compliments to throw them off. For example, “Wow, nice serrated knife you had there. Maybe if your hands were bigger you could even hold it properly”. Or if you’re feeling extra feisty, “I love your eyes”.
  2. If your opponent is oblivious to anything you can say, the time is to act.  One of the best first strikes is a feint. It involves pretending to go into an enthusiastic high five, then ducking and planting your high five right in their groin. Guaranteed to render the attacker confused and helpless.
  3. If the high five feint fails, another safe bet is an eye punch. The eye is one of the most vulnerable areas of the body and can be used to inflict significant pain and loss of sight. To do this, you want to use a hunched over stance with flat feet in a horizontal line, and your ring fingers need to be extended outwards. Menacingly, if possible. After that, all you need is to go the for eyes.
  4. The hit and run. A last resort, if all else fails. Perhaps your opponent is too skilled, or significantly larger and heavier than you. This technique is a fire and forget Panzerfaust-inspired attack. What you want to do is take a run-up and dive as high as you can head first into the opponent, keeping the rest of your body stiff as a board and your arms by your sides. When you’re in mid-air you might as well chalk it up as a win- fire and forget. This is a banned attack move, however, due to its armour-piercing and ultra-violent tendencies. It may result in a fatality, and perhaps collateral damage within seventy feet. Use with caution, and stay safe.

-KD