How White Am I?

Have you ever sat down in a leather arm chair next to the fireplace with a glass of ice and far too little alcohol, and thought to yourself “Just how white am I?”. Me too, Susan, me too. Here at ReverseColonoscopy we feel obliged to answer these existential questions, and alongside the University of St. Andrews’ genetics department we have created a quiz to judge with 94% accuracy how white you are.

Add up the points if these statements apply to you.

  • You can’t dance- 5 points
  • You clap when planes land- 25 points
  • You are a regular at Starbucks- 10 points
  • You are unable to use chopsticks- 5 points
  • You have used the infamous “I’m not racist but”- 15 points
  • You get burnt by Wales-levels of sunlight- 25 points
  • You enjoy quinoa and kale- 15 points
  • You say “literally” in the wrong context- 15 points
  • You own a sugar plantation employing slave labour- 100 points
  • You have googled yourself- 5 points
  • You have been on a wine tour- 20 points
  • Socks. With. Sandals- 30 points
  • You have been in a hot air balloon- 10 points
  • You have got a police caution for shooting up a school- 703 points

>10: You’re the AntiChrist for white people. The AntiWhist.

10-30: You aren’t white but you clearly have some minority heritage

31-70: You are moderately white

71-150: Want some quinoa with that?

151-300: I need sunglasses just to look at you

301+: Porcelain white is about 5 shades darker than you in a tanning booth

-KD

What You Can Tell From Your Pee

Did you know that your urine says a whole lot about you? Because it does, and you can determine your health, hydration, and more just from a glance. Here is a handy guide to help you get started on your urinvestigation.

Clear Urine

Clear urine is generally a sign of good hydration and overall health.

Light Yellow

Light yellow urine is also a positive sign, although another glass of water wouldn’t go amiss.

Amber

Amber-coloured urine is a sign you have been sitting down too long. Urologists suggest that people associate amber urine with sitting at an amber traffic light.

Brown

Brown urine suggests that you have minority African or Middle Eastern ancestry. Try ancestry.com and discover that you are descended from a long line of Sheikhs.

Green

Green urine is commonly found in environmentalists who often have similar lifestyles and diets. If you have green urine you all but certainly are a Green Party supporter.

Orange

The body secretes orange urine as a warning mechanism. Something is very wrong that you have barely perceived. In many cases this is stalking or surveillance. Run Forrest, run!

Black

Black urine is perfectly healthy, it just means you are so goddamn black you piss shades darker than the complexion of Hispanics. If you are not black you may want to consider race-reassignment surgery and start identifying as black.

Red, White, and Blue Stripes

You have seven high-powered assault rifles, are belligerent to women in hijabs, and a “make America great again” sign graces your front garden. Pure ‘Murican runs in in your veins. The only thing that doesn’t run is you.

Tea-Coloured

Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves! Britons shall never never never be slaves…

-KD PhD urologist.

 

Human Evolutionary Link Found Alive in Liverpool

ReverseColonoscopy’s Natural Science department with an extensively funded employee base of Volunteer Dave with a grade B in GCSE geography and applied science, and Volunteer Rob- Dave’s dog, have made a startling discovery. Evolutionary biologists have been searching for the so called “missing link” in human evolution for upwards of a century, but our very own Volunteer Rob might have just cracked it. On a rhinoceros tracking expedition in Liverpool, which has so far proved unfruitful, Rob noticed that many pub-going Liverpudlians smelt unusually different from average homo sapien sapiens; human beings that is.

Upon closer inspection and totally voluntary probing we noticed a plethora of biological differences between Liverpudlians and regular human beings, for example Liverpudlians have very undeveloped vocal cords similar to that of a gibbon. The rest of the UK politely nods and laughs whenever Liverpudlians speak, but what we previously thought might have been an accent is now discovered to be a completely different vocal range. Scientists around the world have been facepalming now that after the initial discovery nothing could seem more obvious.

Coat_of_arms_of_Liverpool_City_Council

With a coat-of-arms like this presumably made in Microsoft Paint, how could we have not known? The figure with the horn on the right is believed to be an early Liverpudlian. The language below is so far unknown.

Liverpudlians are confirmed to be the missing link between our ancient ancestors and the modern humans we are today. Scientists are continuing to work on this newly discovered information.

-KD