Breaking: Armed Stand Off With Hull Uni Rowing Club

The Hull University rowing society, well known amongst students for both its affinity for rowing and vigorous methods of self-promotion may have gone a step too far this Tuesday afternoon. The society is well known for pandering to captive audiences in the dinner queue and using peer pressure to make unruly students participate in rowing machine competitions. Today, however, there was a notable step up. In an attempt to drum up intrigue and attention, rowing club society members kidnapped seventeen students- seemingly at random, blindfolding them, and handcuffing them to a rowboat in the middle of Doncaster.

After numerous missing persons reports, local police were rebuffed by sharpened oars when they tried to intervene. As the stand-off escalated the police called in firearms officers and it seems like the rowing club have codged together homemade oar harpoons which are being fired at police vehicles. There have been four police casualties so far. The oars are adorned with the phrase “Hull University rowing society- try out your sea legs today”. In total 31 students are still being held captive, being floated out to sea near Doncaster. SAS teams are rumoured to be on their way, but for now the stand-off continues.

-KD

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