How To Defend Oneself From Belligerents

For many people their first year at or return to university is starting, and with that a move away from home to the bright lights of Bradford or similar. This can be a scary prospect, but don’t worry- your fear is justified. Every second hundreds of African children drink unsafe water, and more importantly millions of Britons are unlawfully killed each year. Hundreds of thousands. Thousands. 602. And one of those could be you. Unless you live in foreignlandia, and then you might as well go ahead and buy a casket

So to protect your valuables, invaluables, sense of self-worth, et cetera, here are some tips and tricks from a certified Mixed Martial Arts black belt to weasel your way out of any conflict, mugging, or international terrorist attack that might obstruct your walk to a lecture.

  1. Verbal sparring. Also why are all of my posts in lists. But back to the point, sometimes you can defuse, or even infuse a situation using words. Try using backhanded compliments to throw them off. For example, “Wow, nice serrated knife you had there. Maybe if your hands were bigger you could even hold it properly”. Or if you’re feeling extra feisty, “I love your eyes”.
  2. If your opponent is oblivious to anything you can say, the time is to act.  One of the best first strikes is a feint. It involves pretending to go into an enthusiastic high five, then ducking and planting your high five right in their groin. Guaranteed to render the attacker confused and helpless.
  3. If the high five feint fails, another safe bet is an eye punch. The eye is one of the most vulnerable areas of the body and can be used to inflict significant pain and loss of sight. To do this, you want to use a hunched over stance with flat feet in a horizontal line, and your ring fingers need to be extended outwards. Menacingly, if possible. After that, all you need is to go the for eyes.
  4. The hit and run. A last resort, if all else fails. Perhaps your opponent is too skilled, or significantly larger and heavier than you. This technique is a fire and forget Panzerfaust-inspired attack. What you want to do is take a run-up and dive as high as you can head first into the opponent, keeping the rest of your body stiff as a board and your arms by your sides. When you’re in mid-air you might as well chalk it up as a win- fire and forget. This is a banned attack move, however, due to its armour-piercing and ultra-violent tendencies. It may result in a fatality, and perhaps collateral damage within seventy feet. Use with caution, and stay safe.

-KD

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