North Korean Olympic Glory

It has been an intense Olympic games at Rio de Janeiro this year, with a great effort from many teams, including a first Olympic gold medal from the disputed Kosovo and Puerto Rico. Other teams which did well were those of China, the US, Great Britain, and Australia. The highlight of the games, however, was the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea leading the scoreboard with 739 medals continuing its eighteen Olympics streak, and relegating even Turkmenistan to second place. Puppet Worse Korea managed a measly single bronze in the marionette championship. Kim Jong Un himself managed a gold in fifty different sports, from nuclear missile co-ordinating to state management to the 100m dash. Best Korea is looking forward to hosting the 2020 Pyongyang Olympics, where every nation in the world- China, Turkmenistan, Cuba, Russia, Syria, and Eritrea will be present. Long live Kim Jong Un.

-KD

1059088511

Theory: Kyrgyzstan Doesn’t Exist

You may be thinking “hey, I’ve never heard of that” unless you’re an absolute nerd. But no, according to the internet, Kyrysyystan is real and not just the result of a drunk Belorussian trying to spell his cousin’s name. So, get this, apparently, it is a small country in Central Asia with just over 5 million people. 5 million, and have you ever met one? I’ve met someone from Hull, Leeds, Scotland, hell- even Cornwall. But someone from Kyrgsyzsazstan?  Have you ever met someone from Kysyansyantan?

Let’s do the maths. If the average person meets 19 different people in their life, and there are 7 million people on Earth, that means 5 people should be from Kympalybastan. Yet, despite this, no one in the entire ReverseColonoscopy staff has ever met someone from Cympalobactstan. So statistically, it shouldn’t even exist. Then again, I did drop maths after GCSE, but I think it’s relatively sound. And I got a B. Damn right. But what do you think, does Campylobacter exist?

-KDCA

Man Who Has No Affiliation With Horses Turns 18 or Potentially 19

One Joseph Gillyon, most notable for never having any affiliation, sexually or platonically, with a horse or any equine animal, has turned 18, or perhaps 19. A faithful BTEC science student, we here at ReverseColonoscopy wish him all the best in his wholly non-animal related endeavours.

Also he is literally an OAP if he is 19. You cannot be 19. You are so young. Like seriously. Who even is 19.

Edit: His response was ecstatic, it was all our pleasureGill

-KD

Deported

We wholeheartedly apologise for the lack of posts recently in light of our recent troubles following Brexit, the UK exit from the European Union. ReverseColonoscopy and its staff have been packing up to head back to Bulgaria following a run-in with the Farage Deportation Squad, emboldened by the new acts passed by parliament such as the “three shades brown and you’re out” rule. But worry not, ReverseColonoscopy will live on in Belarus with a new and revitalised zest for journalism. We will notify you when we get set up in Belgium.

We’ll miss you, Britain. But Bangladesh here we come!

-KD

Resurgent Terror Groups Strike Fear

Forget Daesh, Al Qaeda or the terror threats in mainland Europe, because there’s an even more dangerous enemy right at our doorstep- the Cornish. That’s right, surprising I know, but we are all in great danger as new Cornish groups mobilise. An Gof, the most prominent among them, has a history steeped in bloodshed and violence and threatens to sweep aside anyone in their path.

Derived from the leader of a 15th century Cornish rebellion, they have committed acts over half a century such as trying to blow up a postbox, threatening to burn an English flag, and setting fire to a bingo hall and a hairdressers with a total of one minor injury suffered by one of the bungling terrorists. Apparently they mistook the hairdressers for a building society. And a sister group, the Cornish National Liberation Army, has perpetrated acts such as trying to declare Jamie Oliver an enemy of the state before being arrested.

Asked why the CNLA threatened Jamie, a spokesperson responded “He’s stealin’ our food and puttin’ them in his restaurants for people to eat. It’s a disgrace. You can’t come into our home and cook our food.”

Dear god, save us all, lest another postbox succumbs to an unwieldy fate at the hands of these monstrous masterminds. Be safe Mr. Oliver.

-KD

How White Am I?

Have you ever sat down in a leather arm chair next to the fireplace with a glass of ice and far too little alcohol, and thought to yourself “Just how white am I?”. Me too, Susan, me too. Here at ReverseColonoscopy we feel obliged to answer these existential questions, and alongside the University of St. Andrews’ genetics department we have created a quiz to judge with 94% accuracy how white you are.

Add up the points if these statements apply to you.

  • You can’t dance- 5 points
  • You clap when planes land- 25 points
  • You are a regular at Starbucks- 10 points
  • You are unable to use chopsticks- 5 points
  • You have used the infamous “I’m not racist but”- 15 points
  • You get burnt by Wales-levels of sunlight- 25 points
  • You enjoy quinoa and kale- 15 points
  • You say “literally” in the wrong context- 15 points
  • You own a sugar plantation employing slave labour- 100 points
  • You have googled yourself- 5 points
  • You have been on a wine tour- 20 points
  • Socks. With. Sandals- 30 points
  • You have been in a hot air balloon- 10 points
  • You have got a police caution for shooting up a school- 703 points

>10: You’re the AntiChrist for white people. The AntiWhist.

10-30: You aren’t white but you clearly have some minority heritage

31-70: You are moderately white

71-150: Want some quinoa with that?

151-300: I need sunglasses just to look at you

301+: Porcelain white is about 5 shades darker than you in a tanning booth

-KD

Exam Revision Techniques

As the infamous Benjamin Button always said “Nothing is certain but death and exams”. It’s that time of year for those of us unfortunate enough to still be in education. Examinations. Regardless, here are some very helpful techniques which will aid in your revision.

Association

You can associate words and dates and phrases with other things like scents, tastes, or music. This is done by doing both simultaneously which causes the brain to automatically link the two as a pattern. For example if you chew the same chewing gum in the exam as you did revising, you should be able to recall things better.

Invertion

The top of the brain is known as the stulta eius debent and is responsible for storing most of the information we gather throughout the day. Reciting information while upside down  is proven to improve recollection rates by 24%. This works because the information sinks to the top of the brain immediately.

Ink Baths

Skin is interlinked with the brain and needs to absorb various minerals to keep suitable mental health. The minerals and nutrients found in squid ink improve your ability to write using ink and can increase speed exponentially. I know this has saved my arse on more than one occasion.

Be Asian

This is self-explanatory, and probably the most effective

Flash Cards

This is probably the most well known technique of the lot and involves covering your nipples with post-it notes with relevant information on and flashing random passers-by. It is even more effective if the police are called, who would then precede to help you with revision.

For those getting ready exams in the near future, good luck. Just kidding, I really don’t care. It’s not like you’ll need luck, you have been revising all this time…right?

-KD

Why am I ginger

now this is a question that I ask myself every morning, i look at myself in the mirror and cry. i ask myself why did god punnish me. in the last blog i managed to disprove racism. but this can not be true, gingers are constantly discriminated against. no food, no seat on the bus, no life 😦 so i belie that i am being raced against. its not fair. i mean they have a kick a ginger day .  its not fair. basically i think i need to die my hair. no one else fweels like this, maybe ill go grey (at least it looks better). its time to end this life (of discrimination). i got the solution gonna die (my hair). night guys and dont be ginger 🙂

 

-EA games, its in the game 🙂

Embrace The FUPA

Summer is fast approaching and so is the perplexing trend of achieving the ‘Summer Body’. However we at ReverseColonoscopy have had enough of this puzzling trend, Why spend your time working at the gym and eating healthily just to look good for one season?

Summer will have ended before it has begun and winter is fast approaching. In our fight for natural selection throughout these harsh, cold, dark months, getting a head start on achieving enough fat to survive winter in essential.

Therefore I say “EMBRACE THE FUPA”

For more information and techniques to embrace the ‘FUPA’ as well as the ‘Chub n’ Tuck’ here is a reference.. http://h3h3.wikia.com/wiki/Chub_n’_Tuck

Definition of FUPA: “Fat Upper Pubic Area” commonly mistook for “Farting Under Pelicans Asses”

– HB

Just another presidential election

Today is voting day for the Philippine’s to elect a new president. Currently the tally suggests Rodrigo Duterte (Also known as the ‘Punisher’) is in the lead with Ferdinand Marcos JR (son of Ferdinand Marcos former dictator known for corruption and brutality) looking like a likely candidate for Vice-President.

Duterte’s lead is said to be because of his controversial policy to kill all criminals as well as his rockstar persona perceived by a large amount of people. Unnecessary policies such as improving Education or combating the issue of poverty left to the other candidates.

For those still trying to make up their mind heres a little history behind the candidate.
– At a young age he was expelled from high school and exiled to a nearby town only to join in fistfights.
– Before his campaign he was a lawyer and rumours also indicate him being behind vigilante killings in the form of death squads.
– Interests include guns and motorbikes.

“If I promise to kill you, I will really kill you”- Rodrigo Duterte 

The candidate also promises to stop corruption in the government, however rumours are this may lead to a dictatorship after the shut down of congress.

Hopefully this gives you an insight into the unofficially leading presidential candidate, Due to the hacking of the voting system, attacks on polling stations and general suspected widespread cheating however I doubt anyone really knows whats going on.

-HB

“At ReverseColonoscopy VOTING MATTERS”