How to Know if a Girl is Into You

A major problem for guys is being criminally oblivious to the advancements of the opposite sex. Unless you’re just so ugly that it never happens to you, and if that’s the case- bad luck. Try drinking more Bovril, it’s good for the…face. And neck. Yes.

Well, we have some tips. Us experts here at Reverse Colonoscopy have some easy remedies to avoid those embarrassing flashbacks where you suddenly realise Emilia from year 8 in the park wasn’t inviting you to do homework because she was struggling despite being clearly academically superior to you in every metric 27 years too late while you’re unhappily married to a Trump supporter who spends far too much of your meagre income from your dead-end career in a Canadian-owned insurance company on designer perfumes. Y’know?

Eye contact: Eye contact in general is considered polite, but slightly excessive eye contact from the opposite sex could signal something more.

Starting conversations: A simple but not foolproof way to know if someone is into you is if they regularly start conversations. Following up on these and starting some yourself are good ways to imply that the potential attraction goes both ways.

Body contact: Unnecessary (but appropriate)  body contact, often done casually, is a good indicator that the other party is definitely into you. Them resting their hand on your chest is rather common.

Increased heart rate: Slightly harder to discern, but possible with its often accompanying increased breathing rate and general anxiousness.

Grabbing vital organs: Women desire to be closer to the vital organs, especially the love-centred heart, of men they are interested in. Do not be surprised if someone who may be interested in you gently tears out your still beating heart from the remains of your ribcage. It’s romantic in most cultures.

Cannibalising said organs: After your heart is removed from your body, it is usual for the woman to proceed to consume it vigorously along with various entrails and bones. Stay calm for the duration of this process if possible, it is normal behaviour. It isn’t unheard of for the woman to shout “O Beelzebub, will you take this noble sacrifice of blood and fear” amidst the consumption.

This is not a definitive guide as specific tendencies vary depending on the individual, but it’s a good starting guide to most of you out there. Have fun, and date responsibly, lads.


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