How White Am I?

Have you ever sat down in a leather arm chair next to the fireplace with a glass of ice and far too little alcohol, and thought to yourself “Just how white am I?”. Me too, Susan, me too. Here at ReverseColonoscopy we feel obliged to answer these existential questions, and alongside the University of St. Andrews’ genetics department we have created a quiz to judge with 94% accuracy how white you are.

Add up the points if these statements apply to you.

  • You can’t dance- 5 points
  • You clap when planes land- 25 points
  • You are a regular at Starbucks- 10 points
  • You are unable to use chopsticks- 5 points
  • You have used the infamous “I’m not racist but”- 15 points
  • You get burnt by Wales-levels of sunlight- 25 points
  • You enjoy quinoa and kale- 15 points
  • You say “literally” in the wrong context- 15 points
  • You own a sugar plantation employing slave labour- 100 points
  • You have googled yourself- 5 points
  • You have been on a wine tour- 20 points
  • Socks. With. Sandals- 30 points
  • You have been in a hot air balloon- 10 points
  • You have got a police caution for shooting up a school- 703 points

>10: You’re the AntiChrist for white people. The AntiWhist.

10-30: You aren’t white but you clearly have some minority heritage

31-70: You are moderately white

71-150: Want some quinoa with that?

151-300: I need sunglasses just to look at you

301+: Porcelain white is about 5 shades darker than you in a tanning booth

-KD

Exam Revision Techniques

As the infamous Benjamin Button always said “Nothing is certain but death and exams”. It’s that time of year for those of us unfortunate enough to still be in education. Examinations. Regardless, here are some very helpful techniques which will aid in your revision.

Association

You can associate words and dates and phrases with other things like scents, tastes, or music. This is done by doing both simultaneously which causes the brain to automatically link the two as a pattern. For example if you chew the same chewing gum in the exam as you did revising, you should be able to recall things better.

Invertion

The top of the brain is known as the stulta eius debent and is responsible for storing most of the information we gather throughout the day. Reciting information while upside down  is proven to improve recollection rates by 24%. This works because the information sinks to the top of the brain immediately.

Ink Baths

Skin is interlinked with the brain and needs to absorb various minerals to keep suitable mental health. The minerals and nutrients found in squid ink improve your ability to write using ink and can increase speed exponentially. I know this has saved my arse on more than one occasion.

Be Asian

This is self-explanatory, and probably the most effective

Flash Cards

This is probably the most well known technique of the lot and involves covering your nipples with post-it notes with relevant information on and flashing random passers-by. It is even more effective if the police are called, who would then precede to help you with revision.

For those getting ready exams in the near future, good luck. Just kidding, I really don’t care. It’s not like you’ll need luck, you have been revising all this time…right?

-KD

What You Can Tell From Your Pee

Did you know that your urine says a whole lot about you? Because it does, and you can determine your health, hydration, and more just from a glance. Here is a handy guide to help you get started on your urinvestigation.

Clear Urine

Clear urine is generally a sign of good hydration and overall health.

Light Yellow

Light yellow urine is also a positive sign, although another glass of water wouldn’t go amiss.

Amber

Amber-coloured urine is a sign you have been sitting down too long. Urologists suggest that people associate amber urine with sitting at an amber traffic light.

Brown

Brown urine suggests that you have minority African or Middle Eastern ancestry. Try ancestry.com and discover that you are descended from a long line of Sheikhs.

Green

Green urine is commonly found in environmentalists who often have similar lifestyles and diets. If you have green urine you all but certainly are a Green Party supporter.

Orange

The body secretes orange urine as a warning mechanism. Something is very wrong that you have barely perceived. In many cases this is stalking or surveillance. Run Forrest, run!

Black

Black urine is perfectly healthy, it just means you are so goddamn black you piss shades darker than the complexion of Hispanics. If you are not black you may want to consider race-reassignment surgery and start identifying as black.

Red, White, and Blue Stripes

You have seven high-powered assault rifles, are belligerent to women in hijabs, and a “make America great again” sign graces your front garden. Pure ‘Murican runs in in your veins. The only thing that doesn’t run is you.

Tea-Coloured

Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves! Britons shall never never never be slaves…

-KD PhD urologist.

 

How To Avoid Work or School This Monday

It’s approaching. We all know it is. It’s as inevitable as rain in the British summer or that aloe vera would be put in a drink. Its very mention can send grown men into crisis. I’m talking about monday. You ever sit up on monday morning thinking of how to throw yourself down the stairs to injure yourself just enough to you miss a few days? Erm, yeah, me neither. But hypothetically, if you did, I may have some alternatives.

  1. Become an Israeli. Israel has very relaxed standards for citizenship, and anyone of Jewish descent can immigrate there and receive citizenship nearly immediately. If you are not Jewish ethnically, you can join a local synagogue for a few months and undergo a formal conversion. For guys however, most Jewish sects may require circumcision. Ouch. Also when you move you will be expected to do two or three years in the Israeli Defence Forces regardless of gender. So an immediate job and free guns. What could go wrong? Fuck monday, move to Israel.
  2. Get Irish, Antiguan, or Maltese citizenship. Ireland offers citizenship to anyone of at least 1/16th Irish descent, and has generous benefits. Plus, plenty of alcohol to drown your sorrows in after the move. If you’re a bit on the wealthier side, Antigua and Barbuda offers citizenship for around £176K and Malta with its no extradition policy (great if you have killed someone) for around £700k.
  3. Drop off the grid. You have less-than-legal connections? Good. Get some very good false documents, take a flight to a less regulated country and drop your old life to become a citizen (via more illegal means than 1 and 2) of somewhere else. If you want to make it extra dramatic, imply or fake your own death. Brazil, a bustling multi-ethnic nation of hundreds of millions of people is a good place to disappear if you know Portuguese. Alternatively, Turkey or Mexico may be possible providing you know Turkish or Spanish.
  4. Sell your organs to the Chinese triads. Or someone else’s. They don’t require consent forms. Not that we condone murder or self-mutilation, but if it’s that or an 8AM monday start then…

-KD