Dog Park Money Laundering

Have you ever considered why the government only let dogs into the dog park?

We at RevCol have spent 3 years operating undercover within the tall grass of a multitude of dog parks across the UK and have discovered information most troubling. Unfortunately, we lost our operative 5 months ago after operation  ‘Good Boy’ went sour involving a particularly suspicious Kuvasz and Swedish Vallhund who just wouldn’t give up the hunt.
I have not posted for a year due to the constant death threats as shown in the supporting picture however I am done with taking threats from the Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever down the road.

Forget Apple Pay, Paw Pay rules the Piss covered tree stumps of your local park. Be smart, Stay inside and..

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MUST YOU ENTER THE DOG PARK

More Information will follow

-HB

Back To University?

There are quite literally thousands of people on the planet and we are therefore likely to do similar things occasionally. For some people that may mean starting university, for some people leaving university and others staying at university despite knowing the risks, debt and probable outcome of continuation of the study.

It is common knowledge that the word university comes from the word universe meaning god of the skies and institutions draw millions of hopeful students to become one of those gods, however, can we become gods?
Whether it be the overruling dictator of rowing club or top jazz flutist in your class does this lead to divine powers? Unfortunately due to a conflict of interest asking academics is out the question, therefore I pose the question to you..

How can a university predict the number of gods it will produce through A-Level results?

We may never know..

-HB

Depressed statues plague university campus

In an unusual turn of events, the famous culture of city of Dhaka has recently been infiltrated by the NSA using lifesize statues. A spokesperson from the Starbucks next to the unknown, well known headquarters stated “Idk man, this shit creeps the f***uck out of me and my neighbourhood”.

Rumours seem to suggest that the strange figures may be only monitoring earth tremors for earthquake prevention, as well as texts, food consumption, airspace, average breathing temperature per hundred yards, Brains, Ear cartilage and the letter eight.
Little else is known about them apart from a few being patriotic Trump supporters, Sporting MAGA hats and seeming to have a great hatred of the country of Iraq. Shit.. I mean Syria.
– HB

Exam survival guide

Oh baby, its exam time,
Who doesn’t like exams?
Who doesn’t like complaining about exams?
You may be thinking this short guide will be the usual tips, Use post it notes on your car windows screen to revise while driving, Revise with you Barista at Starbucks to get a different point of view, Eat Goji berries and gluten free bread then tell everyone about it.

I am here however to give real advice.
– Stop taking pictures of “Revision”, Nobody cares about how hard your short essay is to write, just go do something else.
– Don’t post a picture of yourself in a mirror complaining about revision, No one wants to see that
– Don’t post a picture of your smoothie and then complain about having no time to revise, You clearly had a good 6 hours to buy the ingredients and make that smoothie
– Dont post a picture of you looking sad on snapchat every single day
– Do actually revise
– Don’t however revise and then post about how terrible it’s going, For some people it is genuinely going shit.. I can tell you that
– If you can’t revise and want to tell everyone just vent that frustration at your pet, they’ll probably listen better than anyone else

If you don’t follow that advice, Idk go on a gap year to Thailand and get mugged while high in some tent.
-HB

BREAKING NEWS: Halloween Cancelled

Halloween, A fun time to take candy from children and scare people to the point of assault.  As thrilling as that is however the true meaning of the season has been lost to christianity and the birth of jesus. Many of our journalists are scientologists which gives our blog the ability to give a completely unbiased point of view which cannot be found in other “Reputable” publications.

With all festivals and seasons being held to a religion, the UK government has decided to become more PC and banned all religion practices for followers of that religion. The question you are inevitably asking is, How will this affect me? Well simply put you must only celebrate festivals of other religions in order for other people not of your faith to not become alienated and feel bored/Unenthused when talking about the crap you believe in.

Due to these events we have made it our mission to turn the whole population into social justice warriors, to cleanse racist, homophobic and sexually abusive words, letters and numbers, in order to end free thought and expression. Getting involved is simple! Just have a normal conversation with people, shout profanity, film it, upload it to youtube and you’ve ruined your first victims life! *NO ENTRY TO WHITE MALES*

– HB (Aka. Hugh-Mungus)

Why am I ginger

now this is a question that I ask myself every morning, i look at myself in the mirror and cry. i ask myself why did god punnish me. in the last blog i managed to disprove racism. but this can not be true, gingers are constantly discriminated against. no food, no seat on the bus, no life 😦 so i belie that i am being raced against. its not fair. i mean they have a kick a ginger day .  its not fair. basically i think i need to die my hair. no one else fweels like this, maybe ill go grey (at least it looks better). its time to end this life (of discrimination). i got the solution gonna die (my hair). night guys and dont be ginger 🙂

 

-EA games, its in the game 🙂

Embrace The FUPA

Summer is fast approaching and so is the perplexing trend of achieving the ‘Summer Body’. However we at ReverseColonoscopy have had enough of this puzzling trend, Why spend your time working at the gym and eating healthily just to look good for one season?

Summer will have ended before it has begun and winter is fast approaching. In our fight for natural selection throughout these harsh, cold, dark months, getting a head start on achieving enough fat to survive winter in essential.

Therefore I say “EMBRACE THE FUPA”

For more information and techniques to embrace the ‘FUPA’ as well as the ‘Chub n’ Tuck’ here is a reference.. http://h3h3.wikia.com/wiki/Chub_n’_Tuck

Definition of FUPA: “Fat Upper Pubic Area” commonly mistook for “Farting Under Pelicans Asses”

– HB

Just another presidential election

Today is voting day for the Philippine’s to elect a new president. Currently the tally suggests Rodrigo Duterte (Also known as the ‘Punisher’) is in the lead with Ferdinand Marcos JR (son of Ferdinand Marcos former dictator known for corruption and brutality) looking like a likely candidate for Vice-President.

Duterte’s lead is said to be because of his controversial policy to kill all criminals as well as his rockstar persona perceived by a large amount of people. Unnecessary policies such as improving Education or combating the issue of poverty left to the other candidates.

For those still trying to make up their mind heres a little history behind the candidate.
– At a young age he was expelled from high school and exiled to a nearby town only to join in fistfights.
– Before his campaign he was a lawyer and rumours also indicate him being behind vigilante killings in the form of death squads.
– Interests include guns and motorbikes.

“If I promise to kill you, I will really kill you”- Rodrigo Duterte 

The candidate also promises to stop corruption in the government, however rumours are this may lead to a dictatorship after the shut down of congress.

Hopefully this gives you an insight into the unofficially leading presidential candidate, Due to the hacking of the voting system, attacks on polling stations and general suspected widespread cheating however I doubt anyone really knows whats going on.

-HB

“At ReverseColonoscopy VOTING MATTERS”

BREAKING NEWS – Mount Athos

In the narrow, mountainous peninsula known as Mount Athos, projecting itself into Aegean sea, a devastating new disease has taken over the orthodox christian monks who inhabit it. Traditionally a place of tranquillity and peace to isolate ones self from modern life to commune with Nature and the Divine has been destroyed by the likes of social media and the introduction of the ‘Selfie Stick’.

Monks now fight for likes on Facebook, posting about their ‘Dope pilgrimages’ and ranting about how taking a literal interpretation of the bible is ‘too mainstream’. The life long quest to find god delayed to find the perfect selfie liking for an Instagram photo. Religion is evolving to even the most isolated of places and It is fair to say that ‘love thy neighbour’ has been replaced by a new saying, “Your not spiritual if you don’t post it on Facebook”.

-HB

 

Should I go to University?

For those currently studying A-Levels more specifically the A2 curriculum, exams are fast approaching like a relatable bad but slightly ironic event that happened from your past [INSERT AS REQUIRED].

I am however not here to tell you about which university to consider or what life changing decisions to make about your future as I am just as clueless. Teachers, Lecturers, Facebook, tell you about the amazing opportunities you could experience such as getting into tremendous debt while taking a degree in dog grooming just because you love it. Maybe even an apprenticeship in welding (Not that theres anything wrong with welding) just because higher forces may, possibly, under the right conditions be offering a grant.
This article is not here to draw you away from these magical opportunities often compared to Disney films such as Aladdin and Aladdin directors cut (if you ask any student about their university), It is merely a warning to the other side of higher education..

“a period, typically an academic year, taken by a student as a break between school and university or college education.”

After consulting a reasonably credible source we were informed about a third option so horrifically terrifying even Russia has banned it due to its horrific effects on society and social media platforms. The ‘Gap Year’.

In 1967 Nicholas Maclean-Bristal sent three students to Ethiopia for charitable purposes with money he had raised under the name ‘Project Trust’. Of course this was and is a great idea, helping people less fortunate and making the world a happier place thus creating the first ‘gap year’.
Much more recently however this idea has been shattered. With the rise of mobile technology and sites such as Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, followers of the ‘Hipster’ movement have utterly destroyed the premises for taking a ‘gap year’. Initially it was seen as a harmless trend, to raise awareness in places such as India. The true effects however weren’t seen until they landed back in the UK.

Following spiritual religions they half made up, constantly comparing un-relatable events to something they saw on the news while jet skiing in India when they should have been bag packing, and changing their name to ‘Lotus blossom’. The constant pictures of when they ‘built a well’ with local people, bragging about how they significantly changed the local peoples lives. These are the symptoms that are ravaging our generation

Charity is commendable and building facilities for people who are not able to is essential for improving the country, Coming back a changed and more aware person, half heartedly pursuing activism by writing a strongly worded Facebook post with little evidence however we can not condone.
Let me make this clear, Not all ‘Gap years’ are like this. I am quite clearly referring to a certain type of gap year which I can guarantee almost all readers will be aware of.

To conclude, Think about your future choices to avoid contracting this hipster ideology.
I would also like to add if you do end up changing your name to something spiritual pick a norse god such as ‘Hel’ ruler of Helheim, the norse underworld or ‘Baldur’ a son of Odin tragically killed by a plant.

-HB