Resurgent Terror Groups Strike Fear

Forget Daesh, Al Qaeda or the terror threats in mainland Europe, because there’s an even more dangerous enemy right at our doorstep- the Cornish. That’s right, surprising I know, but we are all in great danger as new Cornish groups mobilise. An Gof, the most prominent among them, has a history steeped in bloodshed and violence and threatens to sweep aside anyone in their path.

Derived from the leader of a 15th century Cornish rebellion, they have committed acts over half a century such as trying to blow up a postbox, threatening to burn an English flag, and setting fire to a bingo hall and a hairdressers with a total of one minor injury suffered by one of the bungling terrorists. Apparently they mistook the hairdressers for a building society. And a sister group, the Cornish National Liberation Army, has perpetrated acts such as trying to declare Jamie Oliver an enemy of the state before being arrested.

Asked why the CNLA threatened Jamie, a spokesperson responded “He’s stealin’ our food and puttin’ them in his restaurants for people to eat. It’s a disgrace. You can’t come into our home and cook our food.”

Dear god, save us all, lest another postbox succumbs to an unwieldy fate at the hands of these monstrous masterminds. Be safe Mr. Oliver.

-KD

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