Morrisons Slave Labour Raid

A National Crime Agency spokeswoman has just announced a series of raids by armed officers in several Morrisons stores in Chichester, Durham, Beverley, Inverness, and Peterborough. A four-year investigation into Morrison’s labour practices has yielded solid information about Morrisons’ ill-doings and work conditions, which have been considered tantamount to slavery. The investigation has been made public in a press release two hours prior. Supposedly part-time workers are conscripted into forced overtime totalling up to 136 hours a week.

One victim, an albino Bangladeshi named Barry H., briefly spoke to us before he was carted off to Border Force offices.

RevCol: “How would you describe your ordeal?”

BH: “It was horrible, I haven’t seen my family for the last two Christmases. And we don’t even celebrate Christmas. I don’t think I’ve left the building for seven months. The light burns. It physically burns. But the pay was alright I suppose, I’m going to try and get my position back afterwards. Was almost moving on to tills. Almost…”

What a side world we live in where innocent Barrys can be abused as such.

-KD

How to Know if a Girl is Into You

A major problem for guys is being criminally oblivious to the advancements of the opposite sex. Unless you’re just so ugly that it never happens to you, and if that’s the case- bad luck. Try drinking more Bovril, it’s good for the…face. And neck. Yes.

Well, we have some tips. Us experts here at Reverse Colonoscopy have some easy remedies to avoid those embarrassing flashbacks where you suddenly realise Emilia from year 8 in the park wasn’t inviting you to do homework because she was struggling despite being clearly academically superior to you in every metric 27 years too late while you’re unhappily married to a Trump supporter who spends far too much of your meagre income from your dead-end career in a Canadian-owned insurance company on designer perfumes. Y’know?

Eye contact: Eye contact in general is considered polite, but slightly excessive eye contact from the opposite sex could signal something more.

Starting conversations: A simple but not foolproof way to know if someone is into you is if they regularly start conversations. Following up on these and starting some yourself are good ways to imply that the potential attraction goes both ways.

Body contact: Unnecessary (but appropriate)  body contact, often done casually, is a good indicator that the other party is definitely into you. Them resting their hand on your chest is rather common.

Increased heart rate: Slightly harder to discern, but possible with its often accompanying increased breathing rate and general anxiousness.

Grabbing vital organs: Women desire to be closer to the vital organs, especially the love-centred heart, of men they are interested in. Do not be surprised if someone who may be interested in you gently tears out your still beating heart from the remains of your ribcage. It’s romantic in most cultures.

Cannibalising said organs: After your heart is removed from your body, it is usual for the woman to proceed to consume it vigorously along with various entrails and bones. Stay calm for the duration of this process if possible, it is normal behaviour. It isn’t unheard of for the woman to shout “O Beelzebub, will you take this noble sacrifice of blood and fear” amidst the consumption.

This is not a definitive guide as specific tendencies vary depending on the individual, but it’s a good starting guide to most of you out there. Have fun, and date responsibly, lads.

-KD

Official RevCol US Presidential Endorsement

ReverseColonoscopy was first founded as a cult in stone age Anatolia, slowly evolving into a homoerotic dance society in the classical era, then migrating north to Central Asia as a travelling circus in the mediaeval era, before settling in Turkmenistan and expanding internationally as the media outlet that millions around the world know today. In all this time it has never endorsed any political candidate posturing for a national leader, but that 3300-year streak is about to be broken.

This year’s US presidential elections have become one of the most hotly contested in history and could have an immense impact on the wider world. For the wellbeing of said wider world and its inhabitants our political and socio-economic analysts have decided to endorse a particular and very qualified candidate.

This candidate is Nigel Farage.

-KD

Breaking: Armed Stand Off With Hull Uni Rowing Club

The Hull University rowing society, well known amongst students for both its affinity for rowing and vigorous methods of self-promotion may have gone a step too far this Tuesday afternoon. The society is well known for pandering to captive audiences in the dinner queue and using peer pressure to make unruly students participate in rowing machine competitions. Today, however, there was a notable step up. In an attempt to drum up intrigue and attention, rowing club society members kidnapped seventeen students- seemingly at random, blindfolding them, and handcuffing them to a rowboat in the middle of Doncaster.

After numerous missing persons reports, local police were rebuffed by sharpened oars when they tried to intervene. As the stand-off escalated the police called in firearms officers and it seems like the rowing club have codged together homemade oar harpoons which are being fired at police vehicles. There have been four police casualties so far. The oars are adorned with the phrase “Hull University rowing society- try out your sea legs today”. In total 31 students are still being held captive, being floated out to sea near Doncaster. SAS teams are rumoured to be on their way, but for now the stand-off continues.

-KD

How To Defend Oneself From Belligerents

For many people their first year at or return to university is starting, and with that a move away from home to the bright lights of Bradford or similar. This can be a scary prospect, but don’t worry- your fear is justified. Every second hundreds of African children drink unsafe water, and more importantly millions of Britons are unlawfully killed each year. Hundreds of thousands. Thousands. 602. And one of those could be you. Unless you live in foreignlandia, and then you might as well go ahead and buy a casket

So to protect your valuables, invaluables, sense of self-worth, et cetera, here are some tips and tricks from a certified Mixed Martial Arts black belt to weasel your way out of any conflict, mugging, or international terrorist attack that might obstruct your walk to a lecture.

  1. Verbal sparring. Also why are all of my posts in lists. But back to the point, sometimes you can defuse, or even infuse a situation using words. Try using backhanded compliments to throw them off. For example, “Wow, nice serrated knife you had there. Maybe if your hands were bigger you could even hold it properly”. Or if you’re feeling extra feisty, “I love your eyes”.
  2. If your opponent is oblivious to anything you can say, the time is to act.  One of the best first strikes is a feint. It involves pretending to go into an enthusiastic high five, then ducking and planting your high five right in their groin. Guaranteed to render the attacker confused and helpless.
  3. If the high five feint fails, another safe bet is an eye punch. The eye is one of the most vulnerable areas of the body and can be used to inflict significant pain and loss of sight. To do this, you want to use a hunched over stance with flat feet in a horizontal line, and your ring fingers need to be extended outwards. Menacingly, if possible. After that, all you need is to go the for eyes.
  4. The hit and run. A last resort, if all else fails. Perhaps your opponent is too skilled, or significantly larger and heavier than you. This technique is a fire and forget Panzerfaust-inspired attack. What you want to do is take a run-up and dive as high as you can head first into the opponent, keeping the rest of your body stiff as a board and your arms by your sides. When you’re in mid-air you might as well chalk it up as a win- fire and forget. This is a banned attack move, however, due to its armour-piercing and ultra-violent tendencies. It may result in a fatality, and perhaps collateral damage within seventy feet. Use with caution, and stay safe.

-KD

North Korean Olympic Glory

It has been an intense Olympic games at Rio de Janeiro this year, with a great effort from many teams, including a first Olympic gold medal from the disputed Kosovo and Puerto Rico. Other teams which did well were those of China, the US, Great Britain, and Australia. The highlight of the games, however, was the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea leading the scoreboard with 739 medals continuing its eighteen Olympics streak, and relegating even Turkmenistan to second place. Puppet Worse Korea managed a measly single bronze in the marionette championship. Kim Jong Un himself managed a gold in fifty different sports, from nuclear missile co-ordinating to state management to the 100m dash. Best Korea is looking forward to hosting the 2020 Pyongyang Olympics, where every nation in the world- China, Turkmenistan, Cuba, Russia, Syria, and Eritrea will be present. Long live Kim Jong Un.

-KD

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Theory: Kyrgyzstan Doesn’t Exist

You may be thinking “hey, I’ve never heard of that” unless you’re an absolute nerd. But no, according to the internet, Kyrysyystan is real and not just the result of a drunk Belorussian trying to spell his cousin’s name. So, get this, apparently, it is a small country in Central Asia with just over 5 million people. 5 million, and have you ever met one? I’ve met someone from Hull, Leeds, Scotland, hell- even Cornwall. But someone from Kyrgsyzsazstan?  Have you ever met someone from Kysyansyantan?

Let’s do the maths. If the average person meets 19 different people in their life, and there are 7 million people on Earth, that means 5 people should be from Kympalybastan. Yet, despite this, no one in the entire ReverseColonoscopy staff has ever met someone from Cympalobactstan. So statistically, it shouldn’t even exist. Then again, I did drop maths after GCSE, but I think it’s relatively sound. And I got a B. Damn right. But what do you think, does Campylobacter exist?

-KDCA

Man Who Has No Affiliation With Horses Turns 18 or Potentially 19

One Joseph Gillyon, most notable for never having any affiliation, sexually or platonically, with a horse or any equine animal, has turned 18, or perhaps 19. A faithful BTEC science student, we here at ReverseColonoscopy wish him all the best in his wholly non-animal related endeavours.

Also he is literally an OAP if he is 19. You cannot be 19. You are so young. Like seriously. Who even is 19.

Edit: His response was ecstatic, it was all our pleasureGill

-KD

Deported

We wholeheartedly apologise for the lack of posts recently in light of our recent troubles following Brexit, the UK exit from the European Union. ReverseColonoscopy and its staff have been packing up to head back to Bulgaria following a run-in with the Farage Deportation Squad, emboldened by the new acts passed by parliament such as the “three shades brown and you’re out” rule. But worry not, ReverseColonoscopy will live on in Belarus with a new and revitalised zest for journalism. We will notify you when we get set up in Belgium.

We’ll miss you, Britain. But Bangladesh here we come!

-KD

Resurgent Terror Groups Strike Fear

Forget Daesh, Al Qaeda or the terror threats in mainland Europe, because there’s an even more dangerous enemy right at our doorstep- the Cornish. That’s right, surprising I know, but we are all in great danger as new Cornish groups mobilise. An Gof, the most prominent among them, has a history steeped in bloodshed and violence and threatens to sweep aside anyone in their path.

Derived from the leader of a 15th century Cornish rebellion, they have committed acts over half a century such as trying to blow up a postbox, threatening to burn an English flag, and setting fire to a bingo hall and a hairdressers with a total of one minor injury suffered by one of the bungling terrorists. Apparently they mistook the hairdressers for a building society. And a sister group, the Cornish National Liberation Army, has perpetrated acts such as trying to declare Jamie Oliver an enemy of the state before being arrested.

Asked why the CNLA threatened Jamie, a spokesperson responded “He’s stealin’ our food and puttin’ them in his restaurants for people to eat. It’s a disgrace. You can’t come into our home and cook our food.”

Dear god, save us all, lest another postbox succumbs to an unwieldy fate at the hands of these monstrous masterminds. Be safe Mr. Oliver.

-KD