Westminster Reveals “Northern Powerhouse”

March 26, 2016March 26, 2016Leave a comment

The good folk down in Westminster have finally revealed the end product of the illustrious project dubbed the “Northern Powerhouse”. The North of England pays for its beauty and hospitable people with comparable economic poverty to much of the South, London in particular. To combat this the Tory government launched the Northern Powerhouse initiative to increase investment and infrastructure in the grim, foreign land visited only by the hardiest Southern explorers.

Unfortunately, the grand unveiling did not go to plan. Many were indeed critical of the end result. George Osborne in response to the criticisms replied “I believe we have achieved something great, however, as you all know, sacrifices had to be made for the budget. While we were originally going to put a house around the power generator, our funds ran dry after the new London skyscraper “the Phallus” went over budget. As a result, we have decided to blend the power generator into the open Northern countryside. Thank you.”

How do you feel about this? Has it lived up to your expectations? Post below.

This is the final product of the Northern Powerhouse:

-KD

Credit to OMC Power

Nearing Niyazov Anniversary

March 16, 2016March 26, 2016Leave a comment

Start preparing your party plans, for in no less than four months it is the anniversary of Turkmenistan’s late President-for-Life Saparmurat Niyazov’s first term in office. President Niyazov, a modest celebrity and inspiration to us here at ReverseColonoscopy, is well known for humble quotes such as “I watched young dogs when I was young. They were given bones to gnaw to strengthen their teeth. Those of you whose teeth have fallen out did not chew on bones”. His wisdom was unparalleled.

To exemplify his people’s, and indeed our love for him here is a final quote:

“I’m personally against seeing my pictures and statues in the streets… But it’s what the people want”. Rest in RIP glorious leader. May your reign extend into the afterlife.

-KD

. 061221_niyazov_vlrg_3a.grid-4x2

Birmingham Man Claims He is a “Born Again and Again Christian”

November 29, 2015March 27, 2016Leave a comment

An unspecified Birmingham man, 39, claims he is the first “born again and again Christian”. Born again Christians are individuals who experienced an apparent spiritual reawakening akin to being “born again”.

The unspecified Birmingham Man underwent surgery for a broken clavicle after an accident involving a lawnmower, three grams of cocaine, Tom Daley, and the neighbourhood badger, but complications arose and he slipped into a coma. Hours later his heart stopped, but he was successfully resuscitated minutes later and is now recovering. He claims that he underwent a unique second reawakening and is now a “level 3 Christian” and “able to wield archangel-type weapons”. Unfortunately, we have no proof of this, but I for one take his word for it.

-KD

Liberians Favoured At American Music Awards 2015

October 30, 2015March 27, 2016Leave a comment

After a mishap in the advertisements for the American Music Awards- more commonly referred to as the AMA’s- where the American flag was substituted for the similar looking Liberian flag (shown below), the West African nation’s artists will be allowed to participate in the competition. The bookies have placed favourable odds on the local favourite ‘I’m so Monrovia’ [music video below] by the infamous Ro Paper being nominated for best single 2015. Last year Katy Perry’s ‘Dark Horse’ clinched the win in that category, but could the Liberians in a turn of fate rule this year’s AMA’s? We will soon find out on the 29th of November.

AMA advertisements wrongly included the Liberian flag, pictured; and allowed the Liberians to compete by way of an apology

-KD

Speakers

October 19, 2015March 27, 2016Leave a comment

If speakers are called speakers, why aren’t headphones called listeners?

-KD

Human Evolutionary Link Found Alive in Liverpool

October 4, 2015March 27, 2016Leave a comment

ReverseColonoscopy’s Natural Science department with an extensively funded employee base of Volunteer Dave with a grade B in GCSE geography and applied science, and Volunteer Rob- Dave’s dog, have made a startling discovery. Evolutionary biologists have been searching for the so called “missing link” in human evolution for upwards of a century, but our very own Volunteer Rob might have just cracked it. On a rhinoceros tracking expedition in Liverpool, which has so far proved unfruitful, Rob noticed that many pub-going Liverpudlians smelt unusually different from average homo sapien sapiens; human beings that is.

Upon closer inspection and totally voluntary probing we noticed a plethora of biological differences between Liverpudlians and regular human beings, for example Liverpudlians have very undeveloped vocal cords similar to that of a gibbon. The rest of the UK politely nods and laughs whenever Liverpudlians speak, but what we previously thought might have been an accent is now discovered to be a completely different vocal range. Scientists around the world have been facepalming now that after the initial discovery nothing could seem more obvious.

With a coat-of-arms like this presumably made in Microsoft Paint, how could we have not known? The figure with the horn on the right is believed to be an early Liverpudlian. The language below is so far unknown.

Liverpudlians are confirmed to be the missing link between our ancient ancestors and the modern humans we are today. Scientists are continuing to work on this newly discovered information.

-KD

Warning: Graphic Imagery Unsuitable For Children

September 28, 2015March 27, 20161 Comment

One of ReverseColonoscopy’s journalists in happenstance came upon a gruesome image etched onto the pavement, showing what must have been a horrific accident mere minutes beforehand. It seems that a pastry, perhaps a chicken and stuffing pastry at that, had slipped from someone’s grasp and ended up chalked onto the floor in a graphic facsimile. While it seemed to have been eaten regardless, someone, somewhere, must have had a day ruined beyond belief. We can only pray, be it for or against the wishes of the pugs, for the lost soul that day.

RIP in peace