An unspecified Birmingham man, 39, claims he is the first “born again and again Christian”. Born again Christians are individuals who experienced an apparent spiritual reawakening akin to being “born again”.

The unspecified Birmingham Man underwent surgery for a broken clavicle after an accident involving a lawnmower, three grams of cocaine, Tom Daley, and the neighbourhood badger, but complications arose and he slipped into a coma. Hours later his heart stopped, but he was successfully resuscitated minutes later and is now recovering. He claims that he underwent a unique second reawakening and is now a “level 3 Christian” and “able to wield archangel-type weapons”. Unfortunately, we have no proof of this, but I for one take his word for it.

-KD