Just another presidential election

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Today is voting day for the Philippine’s to elect a new president. Currently the tally suggests Rodrigo Duterte (Also known as the ‘Punisher’) is in the lead with Ferdinand Marcos JR (son of Ferdinand Marcos former dictator known for corruption and brutality) looking like a likely candidate for Vice-President.

Duterte’s lead is said to be because of his controversial policy to kill all criminals as well as his rockstar persona perceived by a large amount of people. Unnecessary policies such as improving Education or combating the issue of poverty left to the other candidates.

For those still trying to make up their mind heres a little history behind the candidate.
– At a young age he was expelled from high school and exiled to a nearby town only to join in fistfights.
– Before his campaign he was a lawyer and rumours also indicate him being behind vigilante killings in the form of death squads.
– Interests include guns and motorbikes.

“If I promise to kill you, I will really kill you”- Rodrigo Duterte 

The candidate also promises to stop corruption in the government, however rumours are this may lead to a dictatorship after the shut down of congress.

Hopefully this gives you an insight into the unofficially leading presidential candidate, Due to the hacking of the voting system, attacks on polling stations and general suspected widespread cheating however I doubt anyone really knows whats going on.

-HB

“At ReverseColonoscopy VOTING MATTERS”

BREAKING NEWS – Mount Athos

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In the narrow, mountainous peninsula known as Mount Athos, projecting itself into Aegean sea, a devastating new disease has taken over the orthodox christian monks who inhabit it. Traditionally a place of tranquillity and peace to isolate ones self from modern life to commune with Nature and the Divine has been destroyed by the likes of social media and the introduction of the ‘Selfie Stick’.

Monks now fight for likes on Facebook, posting about their ‘Dope pilgrimages’ and ranting about how taking a literal interpretation of the bible is ‘too mainstream’. The life long quest to find god delayed to find the perfect selfie liking for an Instagram photo. Religion is evolving to even the most isolated of places and It is fair to say that ‘love thy neighbour’ has been replaced by a new saying, “Your not spiritual if you don’t post it on Facebook”.

-HB

 

What You Can Tell From Your Pee

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Did you know that your urine says a whole lot about you? Because it does, and you can determine your health, hydration, and more just from a glance. Here is a handy guide to help you get started on your urinvestigation.

Clear Urine

Clear urine is generally a sign of good hydration and overall health.

Light Yellow

Light yellow urine is also a positive sign, although another glass of water wouldn’t go amiss.

Amber

Amber-coloured urine is a sign you have been sitting down too long. Urologists suggest that people associate amber urine with sitting at an amber traffic light.

Brown

Brown urine suggests that you have minority African or Middle Eastern ancestry. Try ancestry.com and discover that you are descended from a long line of Sheikhs.

Green

Green urine is commonly found in environmentalists who often have similar lifestyles and diets. If you have green urine you all but certainly are a Green Party supporter.

Orange

The body secretes orange urine as a warning mechanism. Something is very wrong that you have barely perceived. In many cases this is stalking or surveillance. Run Forrest, run!

Black

Black urine is perfectly healthy, it just means you are so goddamn black you piss shades darker than the complexion of Hispanics. If you are not black you may want to consider race-reassignment surgery and start identifying as black.

Red, White, and Blue Stripes

You have seven high-powered assault rifles, are belligerent to women in hijabs, and a “make America great again” sign graces your front garden. Pure ‘Murican runs in in your veins. The only thing that doesn’t run is you.

Tea-Coloured

Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves! Britons shall never never never be slaves…

-KD PhD urologist.

 

Westminster Reveals “Northern Powerhouse”

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The good folk down in Westminster have finally revealed the end product of the illustrious project dubbed the “Northern Powerhouse”. The North of England pays for its beauty and hospitable people with comparable economic poverty to much of the South, London in particular. To combat this the Tory government launched the Northern Powerhouse initiative to increase investment and infrastructure in the grim, foreign land visited only by the hardiest Southern explorers.

Unfortunately, the grand unveiling did not go to plan. Many were indeed critical of the end result. George Osborne in response to the criticisms replied “I believe we have achieved something great, however, as you all know, sacrifices had to be made for the budget. While we were originally going to put a house around the power generator, our funds ran dry after the new London skyscraper “the Phallus” went over budget. As a result, we have decided to blend the power generator into the open Northern countryside. Thank you.”

How do you feel about this? Has it lived up to your expectations? Post below.

This is the final product of the Northern Powerhouse:

-KD

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Credit to OMC Power

Nearing Niyazov Anniversary

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Start preparing your party plans, for in no less than four months it is the anniversary of Turkmenistan’s late President-for-Life Saparmurat Niyazov’s first term in office. President Niyazov, a modest celebrity and inspiration to us here at ReverseColonoscopy, is well known for humble quotes such as “I watched young dogs when I was young. They were given bones to gnaw to strengthen their teeth. Those of you whose teeth have fallen out did not chew on bones”. His wisdom was unparalleled.

To exemplify his people’s, and indeed our love for him here is a final quote:

“I’m personally against seeing my pictures and statues in the streets… But it’s what the people want”. Rest in RIP glorious leader. May your reign extend into the afterlife.

-KD

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Birmingham Man Claims He is a “Born Again and Again Christian”

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An unspecified Birmingham man, 39, claims he is the first “born again and again Christian”. Born again Christians are individuals who experienced an apparent spiritual reawakening akin to being “born again”.

The unspecified Birmingham Man underwent surgery for a broken clavicle after an accident involving a lawnmower, three grams of cocaine, Tom Daley, and the neighbourhood badger, but complications arose and he slipped into a coma. Hours later his heart stopped, but he was successfully resuscitated minutes later and is now recovering. He claims that he underwent a unique second reawakening and is now a “level 3 Christian” and “able to wield archangel-type weapons”. Unfortunately, we have no proof of this, but I for one take his word for it.

-KD

IMPORANT NEWS

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Shalom fellow reader / readers

EXCITING NEWS, Our incredibly successful blog may be featuring in the ‘The Jay’, Despite them not following our editors back on twitter..

*Hint* *Wink* *Cough*

Our content will therefore have entered the mainstream media and be providing the masses with pointless yet meaningful news stories, filled with vital and insignificant reports.

STAY TUNED

-HB

 

What your bread choice says about you

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We’ve all been there, What sandwich do you want? what sauce? Salad? Drink? Being bombarded by inane questions that make little difference to your overall life and wellbeing. I myself have had extremely bad experiences in the so called ‘Subway’ which has lead to me suffering regular mental breakdowns and a multitude of severe flashbacks.

To protest this I have recently been doing the ‘indie’ thing and using local sandwich shops such as ‘Top Shop’ for a number of years. The one question posed “Soft White or Hard Brown??

Unfortunately in this time of economic instability and uncertainty about jobs along with immigration and all that jazz, its impossible to comprehend such a question in such little time and therefore I shall leave it up to your interpretation

“Soft white or Hard Brown”

-HB

Liberians Favoured At American Music Awards 2015

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After a mishap in the advertisements for the American Music Awards- more commonly referred to as the AMA’s- where the American flag was substituted for the similar looking Liberian flag (shown below), the West African nation’s artists will be allowed to participate in the competition. The bookies have placed favourable odds on the local favourite ‘I’m so Monrovia’ [music video below] by the infamous Ro Paper being nominated for best single 2015. Last year Katy Perry’s ‘Dark Horse’ clinched the win in that category, but could the Liberians in a turn of fate rule this year’s AMA’s? We will soon find out on the 29th of November.

AMA advertisements wrongly included the Liberian flag, pictured, and allowed the Liberians to compete by way of an apology

AMA advertisements wrongly included the Liberian flag, pictured; and allowed the Liberians to compete by way of an apology

-KD