Just another presidential election

Today is voting day for the Philippine’s to elect a new president. Currently the tally suggests Rodrigo Duterte (Also known as the ‘Punisher’) is in the lead with Ferdinand Marcos JR (son of Ferdinand Marcos former dictator known for corruption and brutality) looking like a likely candidate for Vice-President.

Duterte’s lead is said to be because of his controversial policy to kill all criminals as well as his rockstar persona perceived by a large amount of people. Unnecessary policies such as improving Education or combating the issue of poverty left to the other candidates.

For those still trying to make up their mind heres a little history behind the candidate.
– At a young age he was expelled from high school and exiled to a nearby town only to join in fistfights.
– Before his campaign he was a lawyer and rumours also indicate him being behind vigilante killings in the form of death squads.
– Interests include guns and motorbikes.

“If I promise to kill you, I will really kill you”- Rodrigo Duterte 

The candidate also promises to stop corruption in the government, however rumours are this may lead to a dictatorship after the shut down of congress.

Hopefully this gives you an insight into the unofficially leading presidential candidate, Due to the hacking of the voting system, attacks on polling stations and general suspected widespread cheating however I doubt anyone really knows whats going on.

-HB

“At ReverseColonoscopy VOTING MATTERS”

BREAKING NEWS – Mount Athos

In the narrow, mountainous peninsula known as Mount Athos, projecting itself into Aegean sea, a devastating new disease has taken over the orthodox christian monks who inhabit it. Traditionally a place of tranquillity and peace to isolate ones self from modern life to commune with Nature and the Divine has been destroyed by the likes of social media and the introduction of the ‘Selfie Stick’.

Monks now fight for likes on Facebook, posting about their ‘Dope pilgrimages’ and ranting about how taking a literal interpretation of the bible is ‘too mainstream’. The life long quest to find god delayed to find the perfect selfie liking for an Instagram photo. Religion is evolving to even the most isolated of places and It is fair to say that ‘love thy neighbour’ has been replaced by a new saying, “Your not spiritual if you don’t post it on Facebook”.

-HB

 

What You Can Tell From Your Pee

Did you know that your urine says a whole lot about you? Because it does, and you can determine your health, hydration, and more just from a glance. Here is a handy guide to help you get started on your urinvestigation.

Clear Urine

Clear urine is generally a sign of good hydration and overall health.

Light Yellow

Light yellow urine is also a positive sign, although another glass of water wouldn’t go amiss.

Amber

Amber-coloured urine is a sign you have been sitting down too long. Urologists suggest that people associate amber urine with sitting at an amber traffic light.

Brown

Brown urine suggests that you have minority African or Middle Eastern ancestry. Try ancestry.com and discover that you are descended from a long line of Sheikhs.

Green

Green urine is commonly found in environmentalists who often have similar lifestyles and diets. If you have green urine you all but certainly are a Green Party supporter.

Orange

The body secretes orange urine as a warning mechanism. Something is very wrong that you have barely perceived. In many cases this is stalking or surveillance. Run Forrest, run!

Black

Black urine is perfectly healthy, it just means you are so goddamn black you piss shades darker than the complexion of Hispanics. If you are not black you may want to consider race-reassignment surgery and start identifying as black.

Red, White, and Blue Stripes

You have seven high-powered assault rifles, are belligerent to women in hijabs, and a “make America great again” sign graces your front garden. Pure ‘Murican runs in in your veins. The only thing that doesn’t run is you.

Tea-Coloured

Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves! Britons shall never never never be slaves…

-KD PhD urologist.