Exam survival guide

Oh baby, its exam time,
Who doesn’t like exams?
Who doesn’t like complaining about exams?
You may be thinking this short guide will be the usual tips, Use post it notes on your car windows screen to revise while driving, Revise with you Barista at Starbucks to get a different point of view, Eat Goji berries and gluten free bread then tell everyone about it.

I am here however to give real advice.
– Stop taking pictures of “Revision”, Nobody cares about how hard your short essay is to write, just go do something else.
– Don’t post a picture of yourself in a mirror complaining about revision, No one wants to see that
– Don’t post a picture of your smoothie and then complain about having no time to revise, You clearly had a good 6 hours to buy the ingredients and make that smoothie
– Dont post a picture of you looking sad on snapchat every single day
– Do actually revise
– Don’t however revise and then post about how terrible it’s going, For some people it is genuinely going shit.. I can tell you that
– If you can’t revise and want to tell everyone just vent that frustration at your pet, they’ll probably listen better than anyone else

If you don’t follow that advice, Idk go on a gap year to Thailand and get mugged while high in some tent.
-HB

Exam Revision Techniques

As the infamous Benjamin Button always said “Nothing is certain but death and exams”. It’s that time of year for those of us unfortunate enough to still be in education. Examinations. Regardless, here are some very helpful techniques which will aid in your revision.

Association

You can associate words and dates and phrases with other things like scents, tastes, or music. This is done by doing both simultaneously which causes the brain to automatically link the two as a pattern. For example if you chew the same chewing gum in the exam as you did revising, you should be able to recall things better.

Invertion

The top of the brain is known as the stulta eius debent and is responsible for storing most of the information we gather throughout the day. Reciting information while upside down  is proven to improve recollection rates by 24%. This works because the information sinks to the top of the brain immediately.

Ink Baths

Skin is interlinked with the brain and needs to absorb various minerals to keep suitable mental health. The minerals and nutrients found in squid ink improve your ability to write using ink and can increase speed exponentially. I know this has saved my arse on more than one occasion.

Be Asian

This is self-explanatory, and probably the most effective

Flash Cards

This is probably the most well known technique of the lot and involves covering your nipples with post-it notes with relevant information on and flashing random passers-by. It is even more effective if the police are called, who would then precede to help you with revision.

For those getting ready exams in the near future, good luck. Just kidding, I really don’t care. It’s not like you’ll need luck, you have been revising all this time…right?

-KD

Should I go to University?

For those currently studying A-Levels more specifically the A2 curriculum, exams are fast approaching like a relatable bad but slightly ironic event that happened from your past [INSERT AS REQUIRED].

I am however not here to tell you about which university to consider or what life changing decisions to make about your future as I am just as clueless. Teachers, Lecturers, Facebook, tell you about the amazing opportunities you could experience such as getting into tremendous debt while taking a degree in dog grooming just because you love it. Maybe even an apprenticeship in welding (Not that theres anything wrong with welding) just because higher forces may, possibly, under the right conditions be offering a grant.
This article is not here to draw you away from these magical opportunities often compared to Disney films such as Aladdin and Aladdin directors cut (if you ask any student about their university), It is merely a warning to the other side of higher education..

“a period, typically an academic year, taken by a student as a break between school and university or college education.”

After consulting a reasonably credible source we were informed about a third option so horrifically terrifying even Russia has banned it due to its horrific effects on society and social media platforms. The ‘Gap Year’.

In 1967 Nicholas Maclean-Bristal sent three students to Ethiopia for charitable purposes with money he had raised under the name ‘Project Trust’. Of course this was and is a great idea, helping people less fortunate and making the world a happier place thus creating the first ‘gap year’.
Much more recently however this idea has been shattered. With the rise of mobile technology and sites such as Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, followers of the ‘Hipster’ movement have utterly destroyed the premises for taking a ‘gap year’. Initially it was seen as a harmless trend, to raise awareness in places such as India. The true effects however weren’t seen until they landed back in the UK.

Following spiritual religions they half made up, constantly comparing un-relatable events to something they saw on the news while jet skiing in India when they should have been bag packing, and changing their name to ‘Lotus blossom’. The constant pictures of when they ‘built a well’ with local people, bragging about how they significantly changed the local peoples lives. These are the symptoms that are ravaging our generation

Charity is commendable and building facilities for people who are not able to is essential for improving the country, Coming back a changed and more aware person, half heartedly pursuing activism by writing a strongly worded Facebook post with little evidence however we can not condone.
Let me make this clear, Not all ‘Gap years’ are like this. I am quite clearly referring to a certain type of gap year which I can guarantee almost all readers will be aware of.

To conclude, Think about your future choices to avoid contracting this hipster ideology.
I would also like to add if you do end up changing your name to something spiritual pick a norse god such as ‘Hel’ ruler of Helheim, the norse underworld or ‘Baldur’ a son of Odin tragically killed by a plant.

-HB