Have you ever sat down in a leather arm chair next to the fireplace with a glass of ice and far too little alcohol, and thought to yourself “Just how white am I?”. Me too, Susan, me too. Here at ReverseColonoscopy we feel obliged to answer these existential questions, and alongside the University of St. Andrews’ genetics department we have created a quiz to judge with 94% accuracy how white you are.
Add up the points if these statements apply to you.
- You can’t dance- 5 points
- You clap when planes land- 25 points
- You are a regular at Starbucks- 10 points
- You are unable to use chopsticks- 5 points
- You have used the infamous “I’m not racist but”- 15 points
- You get burnt by Wales-levels of sunlight- 25 points
- You enjoy quinoa and kale- 15 points
- You say “literally” in the wrong context- 15 points
- You own a sugar plantation employing slave labour- 100 points
- You have googled yourself- 5 points
- You have been on a wine tour- 20 points
- Socks. With. Sandals- 30 points
- You have been in a hot air balloon- 10 points
- You have got a police caution for shooting up a school- 703 points
>10: You’re the AntiChrist for white people. The AntiWhist.
10-30: You aren’t white but you clearly have some minority heritage
31-70: You are moderately white
71-150: Want some quinoa with that?
151-300: I need sunglasses just to look at you
301+: Porcelain white is about 5 shades darker than you in a tanning booth