How To Avoid Work or School This Monday

It’s approaching. We all know it is. It’s as inevitable as rain in the British summer or that aloe vera would be put in a drink. Its very mention can send grown men into crisis. I’m talking about monday. You ever sit up on monday morning thinking of how to throw yourself down the stairs to injure yourself just enough to you miss a few days? Erm, yeah, me neither. But hypothetically, if you did, I may have some alternatives.

  1. Become an Israeli. Israel has very relaxed standards for citizenship, and anyone of Jewish descent can immigrate there and receive citizenship nearly immediately. If you are not Jewish ethnically, you can join a local synagogue for a few months and undergo a formal conversion. For guys however, most Jewish sects may require circumcision. Ouch. Also when you move you will be expected to do two or three years in the Israeli Defence Forces regardless of gender. So an immediate job and free guns. What could go wrong? Fuck monday, move to Israel.
  2. Get Irish, Antiguan, or Maltese citizenship. Ireland offers citizenship to anyone of at least 1/16th Irish descent, and has generous benefits. Plus, plenty of alcohol to drown your sorrows in after the move. If you’re a bit on the wealthier side, Antigua and Barbuda offers citizenship for around £176K and Malta with its no extradition policy (great if you have killed someone) for around £700k.
  3. Drop off the grid. You have less-than-legal connections? Good. Get some very good false documents, take a flight to a less regulated country and drop your old life to become a citizen (via more illegal means than 1 and 2) of somewhere else. If you want to make it extra dramatic, imply or fake your own death. Brazil, a bustling multi-ethnic nation of hundreds of millions of people is a good place to disappear if you know Portuguese. Alternatively, Turkey or Mexico may be possible providing you know Turkish or Spanish.
  4. Sell your organs to the Chinese triads. Or someone else’s. They don’t require consent forms. Not that we condone murder or self-mutilation, but if it’s that or an 8AM monday start then…

-KD

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